she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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