The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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