I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
