They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
organizing the empties. That sober.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
