Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
