Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
