Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
its liver damage thursday
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
