"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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