I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
