based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
