one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
