One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
