mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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