I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
