you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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