Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
