This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Everything about him screamed your future.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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