i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
