I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
