Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Alive.
So much puke
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
