just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
