I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
