I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sorry about my life...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
