You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
