The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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