the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
