Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize