me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
