You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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