You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
