i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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