i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
