well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
