How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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