based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
