I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sext me about skeletons
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
