u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
