My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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