Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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