i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
