She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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