you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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