If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
