Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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