I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
