But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
