I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
