I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
