I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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