Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Randomize
