OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
