i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
