I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
God, I missed his penis.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
