Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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