I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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