just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize