I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
