Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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