no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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