didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize