so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
