Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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