ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
