Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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