i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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