who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
